Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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