He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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