my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
