Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
