he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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