I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
