grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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