Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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