Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
