Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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