Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
