Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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