Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
