grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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