i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
