i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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