I love watching others lives come down to our level.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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