I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
