So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Randomize
