i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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