We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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