What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
