were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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