Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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