i wish my penis had a tongue
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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