At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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