We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
