I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
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