he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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