i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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