my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
