I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize