So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
