My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
