Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
