I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
