I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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