She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Such a big mess for such a small penis
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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