Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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