Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize