Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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