R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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