Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
