I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
