I think I just saw someone hide a body.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
