are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
