if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
