well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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