My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
it's great music for shaving your balls
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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