somebody snuck up and got me drunk
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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