just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
