It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
