Pappa wants mamma naked
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize