I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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