Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
