At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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